he shaved USA in his pubs
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
