I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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