M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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