either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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