My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
