i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
