Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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