there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
