Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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