I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
