what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
