now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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