I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
where does the pee come out of this thing
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
