Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
