i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
