I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
