Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
