I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
