I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
