you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
