AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
