i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
