Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
