even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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