Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
