I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
