Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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