I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
