My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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