got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.