we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
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She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.