i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.