I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
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