i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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