I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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