please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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