i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
