i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
