Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
