and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
do herpes really smell.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Sober January is a disaster.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Two words: blizzard sex
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
