Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
