Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
