sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
