I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
