I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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