So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
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he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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