my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
