Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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