Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
