I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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