i think my tv is drunk
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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