A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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