God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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