ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
