I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
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