Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
last night I used snow as a chaser
A bitchslap is in order.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
