Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I didn't notice because vodka
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
