I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
