ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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