Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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