So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
