It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
