Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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