went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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