i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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