I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
