I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Randomize
